A Dharma Glimpse by Alexander Hopkins, reflecting on “Living Nembutsu” book group
Thinking about what we spoke about last week about being the “centre of the universe”, made me reflect on how at times I am guilty of this. Ok so not maybe that self absorbed but certainly wanting people to notice me so I feel heard and significant. Then I thought is this acceptable? And how much of the centre of the universe can I take?
I understand that we can’t be in everyone’s minds or thoughts all of the time but somehow, when I’m not, particularly in certain situations, I can feel annoyed and upset. Is this just an expectation of mine that I need to lower? Feeling this way then sends me into a rabbit hole of guilt and shame for feeling this way.
A recent example of this, was following my redundancy, many people from my old job have avoided contact with me or not responded to my messages, people I thought cared. People I spent a huge amount of time with. It’s like I expect these people to reach out or acknowledge me in someway, rationally knowing they have their own lives, are busy and not the forefront of their minds.
Is this high expectation and rule I shamefully have, of wanting and needing to be in someone’s mind an act of my ego and being the centre of the universe?
I question where I draw the line? It’s a battle of my own ego and expectations and accepting impermanence. I mean people’s relationships change all the time especially work relationships, and we don’t all live by the same expectations and rules.
I guess the centre of the universe is subjective and I suppose by learning to understand others reasons, accepting impermanence and letting go with trust in those who do support me reduces my ego somewhat and in turn my shame and guilt.
It’s a work in progress…..
Namo Amida Bu
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