I Fell off my Path
Dharma Glimpse by Katie
I fell of my path
I take a deep changing breath as I put the words together to write this, I have been promising Satya to take up the challenge but have been avoiding actually completing the task. I find myself with some very unusual time off and this now has felt the right time.
My path was always tight, long and went straight ahead towards the horizon but slowly very slowly I began to fall. I noticed myself slipping over the edge and I could no longer see the horizon but instead I felt fear as if I was at a cliff edge hanging by one finger, gravel and stones falling beside me. I was panicking, hot and sweaty and this was only making me slip further, my legs swung underneath me, and my breathing was tight and shallow. I was falling from my path and quickly, what was beneath me I had no idea but if frightened me. What made me fall I suppose your wondering? I didn’t fall, I was pushed, quickly and hard by the force that alcoholism had grasped me and taken a hold of who I was. I had become a functioning alcoholic, I was trapped, I was lost, and I had fallen. I was left hanging like this for 5 long years and I didn’t know how to lift my foot on the path and get back up and one terrible weekend in the mist of the COVID pandemic I nearly fell completely, I needed to get back up and I did. Someone took hold of my hand and very slowly over a period of nearly two years I was up and walking back towards the bright, powerful horizon ahead of me. The person reaching a handout was me and I pulled the shame, the guilt, anguish, and fear from myself. I looked up and there I was looking down at me smiling with a handheld out – I grasped my hand tightly and as the tears fell, I managed a small, frightened smile back. I was going to be ok.
I found myself on the route back guided by spirituality and faith. My mornings became bright and powerful, and my evenings became relaxed and calm. I practiced Yoga, Meditation, and I even began to run 5k regularly. I listened to Buddhist music as a way to escape temptations and then I came across the Bright Earth Temple. I very quickly learnt that with the love and care from Buddha we can live the life of forgiveness, be calm and embrace a healthy lifestyle. The words each week I speak with others ‘With Faith in the three jewels I pray that I may avoid intoxication’ remind me of the importance to stay on my path and keep walking with my head held high. I sometimes kick the bottle of wine in front of me straight of the side of my path listening to the crash of broken glass below me. Sometimes it might rain on my journey as temptation arises, but I will just open my umbrella and carry on towards the warm, welcoming sunshine.
We all have our own journeys and our own pathways, and I truly believe that with the glimpse of the Buddhist way I am firmly back on track, and I sit amongst these wonderful people on Saturday mornings, and I feel love and gratitude, I pray that our paths keep bright, warm, and strong. For the love we honour ourselves is so important.
Namo Amida Bu
At the time of writing, I am 605 days sober